A+
Put something soft on the ground to cushion your fall because you are about to hear something from me that
just may knock you out.
Hooray for pesky academics!
As my alma mater, Northwestern University, is on a quarter
system, finals were supposed to be this week. With Coronavirus scrapping
physical classes and shredding schedules, the provost, Jonathan Holloway, provided
a novel solution: undergrads could choose not to take final exams and base
their grade on the quarter’s work that was already graded. In addition,
students could change from a letter grade to pass/fail weeks after the regular
deadline. What a wonderful world we live in! Students relieved of the
insufferable burden of taking finals and avoiding, as the Provost wrote, “the
incredible stress that everyone is trying to manage.” Apparently the next
mandate would be for dogs and cats to live together in joyous harmony.
So now the goal of college life is eliminating stress. For
me, stress was finding an equally delinquent fraternity brother for a ride to
south campus for a late-night Burger King run. Owing to everyone else’s general
desire to achieve academic excellence, I usually ended up walking for my
Whopper. Finals stress for my senior-year roommate revolved around whether or
not he would set the curve, which for an astronomy and physics Phi Beta Kappa
double major was definitely within his universe. My somewhat more earthly
concerns were remembering which courses I was taking and when and where the
exams took place. The idea, of course, was to hit the Bahamas for spring break,
not treat classes as time on the beach.
So what could really be so wrong with going with flow, given
that life in the country has ground to halt everywhere except on the Internet?
Well, back to those pesky academics. In a happy coincidence of my academic major
and phonetically-similar surname, political science professor Jacqueline
Stevens wrote to her students, “…the Provost distributed an announcement
offering options for your final paper and your letter grade, despite the fact
that he lacks any administrative authority to do so. Only instructors have the
authority to create, evaluate, modify, or eliminate the assessments for your
final letter grade.” Uh, oh. A statistics professor opined, “But when this
pandemic is over, you need to be able to look back and say ‘I was strong’. I am
not going to make the final optional for your own good.” Pity the bureaucrat
trying to pry open the tenured classroom door.
So why do grades from courses that few will remember, even
fewer will care about, and none will cure Coronavirus today, matter? In times
of declared emergency, be it from the government or the flip side of the same
coin, academia, we need to hold officials to the highest standards of
accountability. New Jersey’s governor “suggests” a statewide curfew of 8:00 PM.
What does that mean, and how are you innocent of a suggestion when going for a
nightly jog? Should our model to fight Coronavirus be the same as the country
with insufficient, third-world medical facilities and a predilection for bats
as high cuisine? Should Rutgers students, who get Provost Holliday in July as
their new university president, worry that their degree may not be worth
anything when the incoming administration just makes up the rules for grades?
It comes as no surprise that I’m more cynical than most about
the current pandemic. At Madison Square Garden I’d be less worried about the
guy sneezing 20 rows up than the health of players sweating on each other on
the court, even if it were the Knicks. And while I enjoy my CrossFit as much as
the other athletes, it makes sense to close public gyms, which are basically germ
petri dishes, no matter how much you wipe the weights,. But as my coach, and
mother of a 10 year-old, said on Sunday, “Great workout, wash your hands, don’t
touch your face, and keep you social distance. Love you.” So on this St. Patrick’s
Day let’s toast that solid advice, unless the Governor “suggests” closing the
liquor stores.
© 2020 Alexander W. Stephens, All Rights Reserved.
